Simply put, over the last couple of years the confluence of anxiety, stress, the Great Recession, a suicidal mental breakdown, posttraumatic stress disorder, the Sierra debacle, the Burton lawsuit, and a once-in-a-generation dry spell have left me clinically depressed…….and unemployed from Porters on disability.  My brain – let alone me in totality – simply does not function like it used to and I haven’t been able to perform my job duties for some time now…..let alone remember how to lay out a simple game of solitaire the other day!  This is all despite a better physical regimen that I finally got into last summer and fall.  To be sure, with a sabbatical from work last winter and spring – and the help of longtime Porters employee / Boreal’s Mountain Manager Shaydar Edelmann’s significant other / and current Crossfit Truckee Avalanche phenom Kelly the “Macktrain” – I went from 225 to 185 (that’s a buck+ to about 85 kilos for you non Uh-mur-cans).  I also lowered my blood pressure from 160/110 to 120/80.  And, last but not least, I sealed the deal (and then some…..more on that later) on a local cutie who I flirted with for a few years whenever I visited her for breakfast at the infamous Squeeze In by giving her hand-scribbled gift certificates or free snowmobile rides on the back of napkins.

All of that good ch’i, though, still wasn’t enough to overcome the curveball that a bitchy Mother Nature unleashed – or should I say didn’t unleash – this past winter.  I’ve already chronicled what was the tipping point for this downward slide, but man-oh-man did She put a nail in the coffin for sure.  I’m referring to myself personally here and not the business, but while I’m touching on Porters I might as well give a few updates there.

It’s really humbling to say the least.  And sad.  Not selfishly sad for myself, but sad for what’s happened to the business that my family and an inner circle of minority owner / manager / friends helped build.  In the space of 24 months, Porters has gone from four brick ‘n mortar locations in and around North Lake Tahoe to one.  The website is a shell of what it used to be.  And dozens of full-time employees have been laid off, quit, or left Tahoe altogether.

But Porters is still alive, and truly and ironically with the help of a key person inside Burton Snowboards, my parents and the handful of minority owners left are making a last-stand at what was always our biggest volume store in Truckee.  I wish them all the best of luck.

For me, though, I’m not sure what the future holds.  This is the most difficult part for those closest to me (other than my dad, God bless him, who has profound empathy for what I’m going through after walking a mile……or two……or twenty before me with depression in the 80’s and 90’s).  Mental disorders are just so hard to comprehend and deal with from the outside looking in……and still to a large degree have a social stigma associated with them.  I should know.  During that time in my late teens and 20’s I became frustrated to the point of giving up on my dad.  I can painfully remember scribbling him a note once imploring him to get up off the couch and just do something.  Where had his once inspiring drive gone?  What happened to the man I looked up to for his coaching and volunteering work with youth sports?  How could he not indulge in a simple pleasure like a round of golf, a carefree afternoon water-skiing on Lake Oroville, or even simply hitting the play button on his all-time, favorite musician James Taylor’s new CD that just came out?  You can’t even fucking lift a finger to do that???

I was mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, confused, and jaded among so many other emotions…..just like a handful of close friends, co-workers, industry supporters, and co-owners have been with me.  I’ve been ineffective, unavailable, and that’s created resentment.  Hell, despite – or maybe because of – already dealing with this with my dad there’s even been a real strain on the relationship with my mom.  So regardless of what some would’ve liked to have seen me do – still forge on, lead the troops, and see “this” through with Porters – for now I’ve waived the white flag for the first real time in my life and “given up” on something.

But it’s not just me that I’m doing the waiving for.

That’s because after a 20-year run as an adrenaline junky, no-one-to-answer-to perma bachelor, I’m joining the ranks of first-time, 40-something dads out there.  That’s right.  Big Poppa comin’ at ya sometime in mid July if my fiancée Nikki can manage to fully cook that bun in the oven that she already wants out now haha!  Oh, and “that bun”?  It’s a little girl…….Harley Jean.

So needless to say I’ve got quite a summer coming up.  And despite what anyone wants to label me – a “quitter” comes to mind first – I don’t take any of it personally.  I’ve now been on both sides of the mental illness coin.

I’ve judged, and I’ve been judged.

I’ve thrown stones, and I’ve had them thrown at me.

What’s really needed, though, is more education, understanding, and ultimately empathy in dealing with the most complex and least understood part of our bodies.

And what’s needed for me, for now at least, is a serious mental vacation…….and maybe lots more sleep in gearing up for no sleep here soon haha!

Thanks to everyone over the last couple of years who have publicly or privately given me words of encouragement and reached out to share their own stories and experiences and personal struggles.

I look forward to paying it forward…….

Now some of yous might poo-poo this next comment since living in Truckee could be considered a perma-vacation, but in reality the week + I just spent in Maui was the first real vacation I’ve taken since late winter 2008 in Haines, AK…..and before that it had been another 3 or 4 years.

Well the girlfriend was turning a big 3-oh and she wanted sun and sand and surf in Maui and hell I hadn’t been back to Hawai’i since I was 11 years old…..so no need to twist my arm.

Unfortunately Mother Nature didn’t get the memo and we actually had crappy weather with high winds and no sun for half of the time. Don’t feel badly for me though. We made do…..in 82 F / 28 C weather…..with the water about the same.

A submarine ride on one of the cloudy days produced the deepest kiss I’ve ever had……as well as an octopus sighting……and we found Nemo. Another poopy day we got to spend at the Grand Wailea Hotel and the famous Spa Grande where I got to soak in coconut-infused water. Even better than drinking it let me tell ya.

And when the sun did come out we did plenty of loungin’ of course. I also surfed a few shin-high waves and rode them all the way into shore…….on a stand up paddleboard for the first time in the ocean. Quite different than a glassy Lake Tahoe but rewarding once I finished floundering for an hour or so before catching my first wave.

The food and vibe were awesome, of course, or to be more correct very “Aloha”. I could certainly get used to a home away from home in Lahaina. In fact, I know that I can be a broken-record with the video below, but it’s just so fucking good……and the ending is so true for me.

So toccsxela et al who are sending resumes everywhere and looking for a more career-orientated J-O-B, my advice to you? If you don’t have something lined up, don’t be afraid for one second to kick it in a place like Maui……or Lake Tahoe……or Alaska…….or wherever fun and adrenaline and spontaneity take you.

Hell I remember in the late 90’s a still very good girl friend of mine visiting the then boyfriend’s hometown on Oahu…..and despite eventually getting dumped by him……..not coming back to California for a year and a half after asking my advice about whether she should continue to have fun and kick it in Hawai’i when she originally only went over for a couple week vacation……or find a “real job” just after graduating from San Jose State?  Well that was a no-brainer.

Now at 41 years old, the advice I gave her a dozen years ago is more applicable than ever in my opinion there kids.  In all of my trials and tribulations, several axioms and nifty little catch-phrases have really stuck with me.

One of my gems?

Commonly attributed to Lily Tomlin of all people:

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win……you’re still a fucking rat” (well the fucking part is mine…….)

Don’t be a rat. Go to Hawai’i, Alaska, or Lake Tahoe if you haven’t been to all of them, and at least pick one if you haven’t been to any of them. You owe it to yourself. And you owe it to yourself especially if you’re in your early 20’s – or hell 20’s at all – to make sure that you buy a one-way ticket to somewhere at least once in your life…….

Check OUT the party-in-the-back going on at 0:43 of this homemade collage (and again at 1:45…..and pure gold at 2:20……3:38 more for the short shorts) to an awesome song that truly resonates and touches my soul by Kenny Chesney……